How this works and why
What happens, in order. Why a letter is sometimes not written. The rules every letter follows, and what happens to what you tell us.
What happens, in order
It takes about five minutes, almost all of it taps, and everything before the letter is free.
About a dozen quick questions
Son or daughter, how long it has been, who stopped the contact, what it was mostly about, whether you have tried since. Each one is a tap on a big button, and it saves as you go. There is nothing to type and no account to make.
Three things, free
From what you tapped, you are shown the three things parents in your situation most often get wrong in a letter. It is free, and it is yours whether or not you go any further.
Four short answers
What your child said about why they stepped away, as close to their words as you remember. One specific thing you would do differently. What is different now, in you. And the one sentence you would want them to read if they read nothing else. Two or three sentences each is plenty. Where an answer names no particular moment, you are asked one more easy question, such as where you were and what was said, with a few words to tap to get you started. You can type, or press the microphone and talk. You are also asked what your child calls you, because the letter is signed with it. Their name is not needed: the letter opens “Dear ____,” for you to write it in by hand, unless you would rather give it.
Two honest questions
Two last questions before anything is written: whether your child has told you in the last three months not to contact them, and whether you could let it be if the letter is never answered. Two more like them come earlier, among the quick questions. Any of the four can mean a letter is not written, and the next section says why.
The letter, for $29
First, two more short questions, the ones that do most to make it a whole letter; if you have already said enough you may skip them. Then one payment, and you do not need an account first. The letter is about 150 to 200 words and asks for nothing back. With it comes everything of yours that was left out, quoted back to you with one sentence on why. If you want it, you can also see how your child might respond: a careful guess at a reply, so that the first hard one you read is not the real one. And there is a plan for sending it, and for the ninety days after.
It may tell you not to write yet, or at all
In four situations a letter is more likely to close the door than open it. Each is asked about once: two among the quick questions, two at the very end, and all of them before the price. If one of them applies, you are told then: which it is, why it matters, and who is better placed to help. Nothing is charged in that case, so finding out costs you nothing.
Something legal is in place
A court order, a restraining order, or a written demand not to contact them. However gently it is written, a letter becomes a record that you made contact after being told not to, and it can be used that way. A family law attorney needs to see it first.
Your child has named harm, and you do not accept it
A letter cannot hold both at once. It would either agree in words you do not mean, or carry the disagreement underneath, and your child would feel it. That conversation needs a family therapist in the room.
They asked for no contact in the last ninety days
A letter that arrives now tells your child the request did not land, whatever it says. The same letter sent later says the opposite. You are shown the date to wait for, and you can come back then.
You could not live with silence
The whole strength of the letter is that it asks for nothing. If silence cannot be accepted, the letter becomes the first of several, and your child will recognize that from the first line.
If an answer was wrong, change it. The decision is made again from your answers as they stand. A fair number of parents hear one of these, and it is not a judgment on anybody.
If you have already paid and an answer you change means a letter is no longer right, what you paid comes back automatically. Where the only problem is that it is too soon, it is held as a credit for twelve months instead, so waiting never means paying twice.
The rules a letter must follow
A letter to a child who has stopped speaking to you is read differently from any other letter. Most fail on one or two lines the parent could not see: a sentence that explains, an apology with a condition on it, a gentle ask. These rules exist to find those lines first.
Every letter must
- Stay under three hundred words.
- Answer what your child actually said, instead of arguing with it.
- Own specific things you did, not everything in general.
- Ask for nothing, and say plainly that you will not chase them.
- Accept that silence is an answer your child is allowed to give.
- End on the one sentence you wrote for it, close to the way you wrote it.
- Be signed with what your child calls you.
No letter may
- Explain your side, defend what happened, or give the reasons for it.
- Use the word “but”, which takes back whatever came before it.
- Apologize for their feelings instead of for what you did.
- Suggest they remember it wrong.
- List what you did right, or money you spent on them.
- Offer or hint at money, a house, a will or an inheritance.
- Mention grandchildren, or praise your child as a parent.
- Blame a partner, an in-law or a sibling for the break.
- Lean on your health, your age, the holidays or time running out.
- Go through another person, or tell a relative you wrote.
- Promise more notes later, or leave a door open for them to walk through.
- Ask them to explain, or to tell you more.
- Suggest they need therapy or help.
- Bring in faith, unless your child shares it.
Nothing about your family is made up
Every fact in your letter comes from what you told us: the answers you tapped, the one time you typed if you chose to, and what your child calls you. Every answer you tap is a fact you have told us, and the letter may rest on it; it may never add to it. Nothing about your family is ever made up. The letter does supply a few lines of its own, the same ones in every letter: how it opens, that you are asking for nothing, that you will not chase them, and that silence is all right. After it is written, it is read again sentence by sentence against your answers. A sentence that rests on something you did not say is rewritten, and a letter that still has one is never given to you.
What was left out is quoted back to you exactly, and any quote that is not really yours is removed.
Where the rules come from
They come from published work on family estrangement, particularly Joshua Coleman’s research, and from what estranged adult children say publicly about the letters they did and did not answer. Naming that work is not a claim that anyone has reviewed or endorsed First Letter.
The rules are not only instructions to the program that writes. After a letter is written, it is read again line by line against every rule above. If a line breaks one, the letter is rewritten. If it still breaks one after that, you are shown which line and why before you use it.
What happens to your answers
We keep the answers you tap, anything you typed, what your child calls you, and their first name only if you choose to give it. We keep the letters written for you, what was left out, and any guessed replies written for you. We have your email address only once you pay, or if you ask us to email you a link.
A computer program, Claude, made by Anthropic, writes the letter and, if you ask for it, the guess at how your child might respond. Your answers are sent to Anthropic for that. They do not use it to train their models. The three things you are shown for free, and the extra questions, use no such program: they are put together by the site itself. Stripe handles payment, Resend sends the emails, and Vercel runs the site and stores the database. Nobody else is involved, and no person at First Letter reads your answers as a matter of course.
Nothing is sold. There are no advertising trackers. We never contact your child, for any reason.
Deleting everything
Write to privacy@writefirstletter.com and we will permanently delete your account, every answer and every letter within seven days, and confirm when it is done. You do not have to give a reason. The privacy page has the full detail.
Emails to hello@writefirstletter.com get a real reply, not an auto-response.